Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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