No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
