We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
