I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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