Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Vodka?
Forever.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
