I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
