I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
