chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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