His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
