How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
