Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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