do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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