Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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