i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
