don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my j├Ąger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"