I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"