I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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