So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
