the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
