The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
