does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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