My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
