Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
