Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
