i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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