I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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