she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
