If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
