1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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