i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
