Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
