She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
