I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
