New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
