I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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