Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
