I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
