apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
