You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The beer is more important than you right now.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
