2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
