I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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