Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
