Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
