How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Can Purell be used as lube?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think I just shit out all my problems.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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