The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
