Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
