Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
