The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
