if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You ate ashes out of my bong
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
