YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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