got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
why do cheetos always look like penises
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
