Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I want to be your penis for a week.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
