it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
