man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
