4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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