I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
